Inner Conflict

I feel like I need a drink. I have pepsi, good rum, my son is asleep, and my man is visiting a friend. Nothing went as planned today. My car had a loose connection to the battery, and no matter how many times i jiggled the wire, it wouldn't start. So, here I am stuck at the store, car-retarded and without vice grips, and freezing cold. Anyway, I called my old man who took a cab with my son in tow. Once he got there, he had the car going in minutes. I seriously felt like a dunce. 


Now, all I want to do is drink, but it won't help. I limit myself to 2 drinks when I drink because I have a tendency for alcoholism. At least i can cut myself off though, when I'm alone anyway. If I have people around me drinking, then I drink myself stupid, depending on the company. I avoid bars for this very reason. I miss the days when there were little or no consequences for my actions, back in the day when I partied hard. At the same time, I felt very lonely. I'm in a good home now. I have a son and a hubby, a family that loves me. Why do I want to go wild sometimes? Is this normal, even though I feel happy? I remember who I use to be, but I'm not that anymore. I know that!


I think, I will have one drink though, just to calm my nerves. Peace!

Memories of My Uncle

I miss my Uncle Greg. He was always there for me when I needed him. He always knew how to make me laugh. He always listened to my problems, and we'd have long discussions about life or music. He liked to play guitar and write songs. All of the cousins saw him as their favorite uncle, I know I did. When I was a girl, after my dad died, and my mom needed a little help, my uncle lived with us. Every morning, he would get me ready for school. I have a fond memory of him brushing my hair which was long, and he was heavy handed about it. I would go to school with a headache usually, but with a smile because he always felt bad about hurting me. There are many memories though. Really, my uncle would always be there if someone in the family needed him for anything.


I guess with every beautiful soul comes a few flaws. My uncle had an addiction. He drank almost everyday. Even when I was a girl, yet I never really cared. Even, when he was at his worst, I never turned my back on him. It made me sad when people did. Didn't they know he didn't want to hurt anyone? I guess, for some people he was too much at times. I didn't know their reasons. There were times when he was out of control, and he'd feel bad afterwards. I always forgave him because I loved him so much. My uncle had so much love for his whole family. I know it hurt him when the family asked him to leave grandma's house when she was in the nursing home recovering from a broken hip. I guess they thought he'd cause added stress to her or fall on her, I don't know. My grandma would have never allowed him to leave. The family kept the "kicking out" from her. Anyway, he moved in with my aunt, got a new haircut and vowed to get into rehab, so he could take care of grandma when she was well enough to leave.


Needless to say, life doesn't always work out as planned. My uncle died shortly after when my grandma was still in the nursing home. I don't really know the circumstances, but his heart stopped when he was asleep. He was 43-years-old. Imagine, my family having to go to the nursing home to tell my grandma that her youngest was dead. I don't know if I can ever truly forgive the family for kicking him out behind my grandma's back, but I hope they forgave themselves. I could go over what-ifs all day, but it wouldn't do any good. My grandma died a year later. I hope she was at peace, but I don't know for sure. Imagine how she felt. This is a woman who raised fourteen children. Did the family really think she was that stupid? She was not happy about the circumstances around my uncle's death. I would have felt betrayal, but she wasn't me. She was a devout woman who loved her children. I'm sure she forgave them all, but maybe she had forgiven them as soon as she found out. I could see that. I guess, I'm the one who feels bitter and betrayed. It's so silly! 

I have to say that most of the times with the family and Greg were good. There were great memories at family reunions and such. The family loved Greg, truly! They did what they thought was the right thing at the time. I just disagreed with it! 


Gregory "Greg" Phelps 1963-2006

Poets are dreamers

Poets are dreamers. 
All my life I've wanted to be loved, heard, understood.
Poets are mystics, spreading their potions across pages that have always known.
my pencil writes these words as of they'll save me, but my lead is weak and feels as though it'll break. 


Sadly, in the end, people and words fail us.
I still have hope for both.


Foolish woman!

morning scramble. I want to eat eggs!

It's that kind of day! I know I'm posting a lot and it's getting annoying, but I have to share what I love. I've only had a few hours of sleep. I should make some coffee. HMMMM, coffee. It doesn't get simpler than that.  I have to make sure to make a big breakfast today. I only had a bowl of oatmeal before my 45 minute workout yesterday and my blood sugar dropped after. It sucks when that happens because it affects my vision! I've had hypoglycemia for 5 years now, and it became more frequent after I had my son. At first, I thought I had a brain tumor or something because of the vision changes, but with all the other symptoms I have it points to hypoglycemia (at least that's what the doctor told me.) Maybe, I did way too much acid back in the day ( and I did a lot!), and I'm permanently fucked up for life. I met a guy on the street that swore he was a glass of orange juice and wouldn't let me near him because he didn't want to spill. I'm glad I never got to that point. One bad trip and I slowed down and then stopped completely. Wow, to be young and dumb, but It was fun while it lasted.


Woohoo, it snowed again last night! I wish we'd have enough snow to go sledding. My son got a new sled for christmas, and we haven't been able to try it out yet. What a bummer! Poor little man has been wishing for snow since I told him it was now winter. I mean, it's suppose to be in the single digits around this time. Damn! wow, yum, fuck yeah, it's my day off!

Hurricane

http://vevo.ly/fDcjZ2 Thirty Seconds to Mars, Hurricane (uncensored director's cut) definitely worth the watch. Their videos are all awesome!

Older video, same views

Haha, not much has changed. I still look the same, same views. I'm just a little happier.

Ramblings

Falling, falling into myself. I explode and scatter across time and the cosmos. I split myself down the middle and across the line, sectioning myself out to the world. I keep my heart though and take it bite by bite. The tears threaten to trickle down, but they never fall, for I am locked inside myself. I am caged in bones. My bones keep the poison in. Only the poison escapes sometimes through me pores, I guess. The sun absorbs me. I'm nothing and all. I dance around myself singing songs, taunting songs, love songs. All of me is flaking away into the ocean, the air, the trees, dirty streets, and onto other people as they pass by. You are all of us. I am all of me. The girl at her wheel, spinning, spinning dreams, losing all and gaining all. My hair and sweat fly around me. A mad woman never stopping to take a break. My fingers thread, thread and knot and thread again. My eyes never leave the project before me. A pile of dust on the floor. It never ends. Time goes on and on and stops for no one. After I'm long gone someone will be at her spindle working herself to the bone, looking for truth in the cracks. The world is dull and vibrant. everything and nothing. Nothing can stop this ache. Nothing can stop it. I've tried to quiet it down, push it down, lock it away, but it always gets free bounding me and setting me loose in the wildness of my mind. Piece by piece until I'm eaten by the universe. So, love me for now and keep me on a long lead. Be peaceful, be patient, for the time will come for us all.